MY STORY! ENJOY!

[Tosentu]

Omega Sun:


By: Drenz




The Opening:



Earth. The orb we live and work upon each day. We think nothing else, but of our daily routines each day. But have you ever thought, for once, that there is so much more to this planet, that it is just way more than just our living quarters. Maybe you have or maybe you haven't, but you will be asking questions soon enough............I know how it feels to know nothing like you and ask nothing. So caught up in your stupid life to see the truth right in front of you. I know....................................I was just like you. But one year ago all that changed. But let us go back in time to a place that no one knew existed, that no one thought could ever really exist. I'm talking about a planet that is a million of galaxies away, and can not be reached. A planet that is a beautiful oasis of peace and happiness. Let us go to the place where my all my questions began to be asked, even before my own mother was born. Let us go to the..............Omega Sun, the beginning of our story.





What did you guys think? It's only the opening though. But every week all add a new chapter, until I write the whole story down. Please tell me what you think as the story unfolds. Thank You!

[Laralon the Mad Looter]

1. EXTREMELY inappropriate use of periods.
2. In "we think nothing else," don't you think there should be an "of" between 'think' and 'nothing?'
3. "So caught up in your stupid life to see the truth right in front of you" is a sentence fragment and a bit harsh to boot.
4. In the first part of the paragraph, you used "each day" too many times. Yes, two is too many.
5. Let us go to the..............Omega Sun sounds just plain WEIRD with all those periods in the middle. It's not dramatic, it's dumb.

Other than that, the paragraph's fine. Great concept.

[Tosentu]

Thanx for telling me! Wasn't paying attention, sorry. I hate writing stories on computers. I always mess up. Well, whatever! Next Part!




Prologue:



The universe contains 25 suns. Each sun lights up certain galaxies planets. These stars are the hottest substance in the universe, which makes people unable to inhabit them. All the power the suns contain come from the Omega Sun. This sun is in the middle of the universe, and if humans can get there they can live on the planet. The Omega Sun is just like the planet Earth, the only difference is the planet's location. The planet had so much power that it created it's own race of people called Omesives.The Omesives created many vilages on the planet and created there own way of life.
The Omega Sun even made them a King and Queen to watch over the planet. After a while, the Omesives wished for the planet to give them a religon to believe in, but the planet told them that peace will remain better without religon. The Omesives believed in their planet and left the subject of a religon alone. Many generations passed and the Omesives lived so happily on the Omega Sun, but evil was planning a greatly darkend attack. Then the day came when Hades, the god of the underworld came and was telling the people that he would give them religon, if they just lived under his law. The people always wanted religon, so they agreed. Since that day, no one knows what happend or even remembers the planet.





I hope that gives everybody a better grasp on the story!
;D ;D ;D ;D If you read, thanx!

[Tritail]

Spelled Prologue wrong. (this was the correct spelling of it.) I think you should present these things through common knowledge of the characters instead of some monologue. Just a thought.

[Tosentu]

Thank you! Sorry bout that, I fixed it, ohhh, and it is being told by my main character, but that was just Prologue! ;D Thanx for the suggestion though!